October 29, 2004

True

The Good Shepherd by V. Michael McKay

Quietly He speaks to me, gently He leads me
Lovingly the Shepherd carries me
He carries me hidden safely in His bosom
I feel His love inside when other times, my friend, I couldn’t
He knows just what’s best for me
The Good Shepherd knows just what I need

Quietly He speaks, gently He leads
Lovingly He carries me to safety
I feel His love deep inside of me
Jesus knows just what’s best for me
The Good Shepherd knows just what I need

October 28, 2004

Answers

God is so great. I have been praying (and spending way too much time thinking and talking) about something that's been on my mind lately. All along, I have been asking God for an answer to my question(s), and trusted Him completely, so I knew that no matter what the answer was, it would come from Him, and I'd be fine with it. Even though in my heart, I wanted to hear a yes, I really needed a no, and was almost begging for someone to tell me, "No, this is not going to happen." Late last night, I was talking with one of my friends, and she gave me a very clear NO. I thought that when that happened, I'd be disappointed, but I'm not. It was like my insides had been twisted, and then suddenly released. I felt so much lighter, and had a peace that I had not yet experienced with this whole matter. That was enough confirmation for me it was what God wanted for me. I was able to give it up to Him completely. I trust that if it is His will for my life, He will give it back to me, in His perfect timing. I realize now that what I had been looking for was a way for it to be okay to go outside His will - to try to make His will fit into my will. I am so grateful that an answer came quickly, and that it came without hurt. If I trust my heart to Him, He will protect and care for it.

On a completely unrelated topic: Success in the lab. I've got crystals!!

Dr. K - If you're reading this, go back to work! [ ;) jk]

October 25, 2004

What a weekend

This weekend was crazy!

It started off with the Calvary college ministry's annual square dance. I went straight from the lab to the square dance (late, of course). I got there just as they were finishing eating. I was just standing around, waiting for everyone to finish up, so that the dancing could get started, when Joe Drummer had everyone sing me "Happy Birthday". Then he said something about a surprise and a cake, and lo and behold, my dad walked down the hill carrying a birthday cake for me! He flew all the way from upstate New York just to surprise me for my birthday! I have never been surprised for my birthday before in my life. You could have knocked me down with a feather.

So, I got a surprise, and cake, and got to dance - a great night! (Never mind that my legs were screaming at me the whole time - see Work out - fall out) Weirdness - one of the guys in my square was the same age, height, build, and coloring as Karsten (my little bro). It's still kind of weird to be to be around people that are his age in a college setting. I mean, he was only 13 when I left for school. He has grown up so much in the last five years.

Saturday: Game Day! I picked Dad up from his hotel, and we went to campus. We had lunch at the Copper Cellar, watched some of Florida getting its tail whupped by Mississippi State in the UC auditorium, I showed him the chem building, and we watched the band march to the stadium. It was pretty cool seeing the pipe band lead the way. There is nothing quite like hearing Rocky Top on the bagpipes! I got Dad a ticket to the Bama game for $15. (quote of the day from a scalper when his price was turned down - "What, are you waiting for something cheaper?!" I mean, really.) After the game, we braved the traffic on I-40W, and I showed Dad the apartment. He was really impressed by just how neat it was (not that I'm obsessive, but I had just cleaned because a friend had visited the day before). Then we wrapped up the day with a party at Esther's parents' house (huge, absolutely huge!) with friends from the New City Cafe.

Sunday: church, lunch, World's Fair Park, McKay's, Marble Slab Creamery, church again and....dinner. The food was good, the conversation, not so good. That was the time that Dad wanted to talk about our relationship. It has always been strained, but more so in the past year or two. I always manage to push his buttons, and piss him off, and then he doesn't exactly react too well. Anyway, I managed to hold back tears, but I finally just told him that we had to leave the restaurant. I dropped him off at the hotel, and met back up with some BASIC people. All I have to say about that is that I thank God daily that He has blessed me with such great friends.

And, so went the weekend. I took Dad to the airport early this morning, and said goodbye. I almost wish we hadn't talked on Sunday...things were going so well up to that point. I just get so frustrated with things that he says, and with trying to communicate with him, and there is so much that he just doesn't 'get'. I don't think he has any concept of how much he's hurt me in the past, or how much I want things to change. I want our relationship to be so different from what it is now. I want to feel like he is my daddy, my protector. I want to be able to bring my boyfriend home to him (some day) and actually care about what my dad thinks of him. I want to be able to look forward to having him walk me down the aisle (some day). It saddens me to think about how women with godly fathers look for a man who is like their father. I pray that God will continue to work in his heart, and to heal our relationship, and I do believe that Dad wants things to change, but I don't believe that any kind of lasting change will come unless he is relying on God. The more I learn about my dad's home life growing up, and about what my mom went through as a child, the more I see how a legacy of sin can harm future generations. I thank God for my salvation, the bible, a great church, and for a community of believers, from whom I am learning daily what freedom, hope, and love mean.

Thank you to the Humphreys for planning the visit with my family since mid-September!
Thanks to my awesome friends for keeping it a secret, and for lifting me up!

October 21, 2004

Work out...fall out

I went and worked out today, for the first time in...well, let's just say it's been a while. I've been kind of disappointed with myself for letting myself get into such poor shape. I get winded just walking up stairs. And it's not a looks thing...I just know that it's not healthy to weigh as much as I do, even with muscle mass...and I definitely don't have as much muscle mass as I used to. That much is sure.

I still know how to push myself, and that's good, but I think I may need to ease into this a little more gently than I did today. (Evidence - ralphing in the trash can, almost passing out, and barely being able to walk up or down the stairs, or even walk at all) I am meeting with a personal trainer for the first time early next week (yes, I've been a member of the gym for seven months, and only just now meeting with a personal trainer and really working out) and I'm hoping that I will learn something, and that he will help motivate me. I definitely already know how to lift weights, but I'm hoping he'll be able to help me get into cardio shape, and to loose some of the extra pounds of fat I'm carrying around with me. I know that getting into better shape is going to involve loosing weight (from fat) and that it will help be be more active, be healthier, and feel better about myself.

Side note: It really helps me to have a workout partner(s). It was very motivational to be at the gym with friends today, keeping me moving, and pushing myself...plus, it's just more fun that way.

One negative this morning - Setting up an appointment to meet with a trainer made me late to class this morning. I really need to figure out a reliable way to be on time for classes, appointments, tests, um...everything. I somehow always find something to do that makes me late. I don't know if I just need to schedule my time, or if there is something deeper that needs to change...I tend to think it's a combination of the two.

Along those same lines, I need to figure out how to cure my procrastination. I think that my being late to everything and my procrastination are tied together somehow, I'm just not sure how yet. (Also, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning...somehow, all of these things are tied together, and I'm not sure how, or how to fix the problem.)

Last weekend was awesome - four days in Charleston, SC (note edit from last published as VA - I think I need to refresh my geography). I got to build an awesome sandcastle, and I saw five shooting stars. Our speakers were great, and God really reached me where I was at. Isn't it awesome how He always manages to do that, no matter where we are. If we are listening, He always has something to tell us. It was so calming for my spirit, and rejuvenating. I love this season, where the sun can shine so brightly, but the air and wind is cool. I could have spent hours just laying in the hammock, dozing on and off, listening to the soundtrack of the waves crashing and the gulls calling, or just singing and dancing on the beach. That last night at the house, that was all I wanted to do...just sing and dance. The stars were so beautiful...such a reminder of God's creation, and His sovereignty. And He gave me such a gift - five shooting stars! The sky looked like a black, velvet sheet, with crystals sewn into the fabric. The ceiling of the heavens looked so far away, and yet that was one of the times I have felt closest to God. My heart was simply bursting with joy and love and thankfulness. God revealed to me so many pictures and analogies between nature and my relationship with Him. It never ceases to amaze me how one experience, one weekend, can be so tailored to my individual needs. God always seem to speak through people, directly to me, so long as I'm listening. He has been so faithful through my sluggish growth as a Christian. I have been so challenged lately, and I have recognized areas in my life where I need so much healing, and so many things that I want to change, through the strength of God, so that I will be in His will. I could go on, but time is running short...

October 20, 2004

Life is a strange and curious thing. I have much to learn. It's so cliched, but relationships are confusing. People can be so difficult to understand. I can not rely on my own understanding or strength. I can only survive if I rely on Him.

Random thought...the leaves on the trees outside the chemistry building are really changing color...I love the fall!

Oh, the places you'll go...

This list is borrowed from thegirl (some are omitted)

The bolded statements are true about me.

1. Swam with wild dolphins
2. Climbed a mountain
3.Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
4. Been inside the Great Pyramid
5. Held a tarantula
6. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
7. Hugged a tree
8. Bungee jumped
9. Visited Paris
10. Watched a lightning storm at sea
11. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
12. Seen the Northern Lights
13. Gone to a huge sports game
14. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
15. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
16. Touched an iceberg
17. Slept under the stars
18. Changed a baby’s diaper
19. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
20. Watched a meteor shower
21. Given more than you can afford to charity
22. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
23. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
24. Had a food fight
25. Bet on a winning horse
26. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
27. Asked out a stranger
28. Had a snowball fight
29. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
30. Held a lamb
31. Taken an ice cold bath
32. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
37. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
38. Adopted an accent for an entire day
39. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
40. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
41. Had two hard drives for your computer
42. Visited all 50 states
43. Loved your job for all accounts
44. Had amazing friends
45. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
46. Watched wild whales
47. Stolen a sign
48. Backpacked in Europe
49. Taken a road-trip
50. Rock climbing
51. Midnight walk on the beach
52. Went sky diving
53. Visited Ireland
54. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
55. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
56. Visited Japan
57. Benchpressed your own weight
58. Milked a cow
59. Alphabetized your records
60. Pretended to be a superhero
61. Sung karaoke
62. Lounged around in bed all day
63. Went scuba diving
64. Played in the mud
65. Played in the rain
66. Gone to a drive-in theater
67. Visited the Great Wall of China
68. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
69. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
70. Started a business
71. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
72. Toured ancient sites
73. Taken a martial arts class
74. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
75. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
76. Gotten married
77. Been in a movie
78. Crashed a party
79. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
80. Gotten divorced
81. Gone without food for 5 days
82. Made cookies from scratch
83. Won first prize in a costume contest
84. Ridden a gondola in Venice
85. Gotten a tattoo
86. Rafted the Snake River
87. Been on television news programs as an “expert"
88. Gotten flowers for no reason
89. Performed on stage
90. Been to Las Vegas
91. Recorded music
92. Eaten shark
93. Gone to Thailand
94. Bought a house
95. Been in a combat zone
96. Buried one/both of your parents
97. Been on a cruise ship
98. Spoken more than one language fluently
99. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
100. Bounced a check
101. Performed on Broadway
102. Read - and understood - your credit report
103. Raised children
104. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
105. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
106. Created and named your own constellation of stars
107. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
108. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
109. Called or written your Congress person
110. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
111. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
112. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
113. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
114. Had plastic surgery
115. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
116. Wrote articles for a large publication
117. Lost over 100 pounds
118. Piloted an airplane
119. Petted a stingray
120. Broken someone’s heart
121. Helped an animal give birth
122. Been fired or laid off from a job
123. Won money on a T.V. game show
124. Broken a bone
125. Killed a human being
126. Gone on an African photo safari
127. Ridden a motorcycle
128. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
129. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
130. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
131. Ridden a horse
132. Had major surgery
133. Had a snake as a pet
134. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
135. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
136. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
137. Visited all 7 continents
138. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
139. Eaten kangaroo meat
140. Eaten sushi
141. Had your picture in the newspaper
142. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
143. Gotten someone fired for their actions
144. Gone back to school
145. Parasailed
146. Changed your name
147. Petted a cockroach
148. Eaten fried green tomatoes
149. Read The Iliad
150. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
151. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
152. ...and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
153. Taught yourself an art from scratch
154. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
155. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
156. Skipped all your school reunions
157. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
158. Been elected to public office
159. Written your own computer language
160. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
161. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
162. Built your own PC from parts
163. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
164. Had a booth at a street fair
165. Dyed your hair
166. Been a DJ
167. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal or Blogger
168. Written your own role playing game
169. Been arrested
170. Have ever made your last will and testament or a living will
171. Asked your significant other to marry you